Nebulous and mysterious at times, real and concrete at others, the Truth is ever constant, as a thick cord that holds the Universe in place.
It was in the obscurity that I dwelt, evil and cold, as a child that knew no difference, standing in my high school church service for, though I didn’t know it, the last time. But perhaps, I am ahead of my story.
My father grew up in a poor, broken home. He grew up an Atheist and, after growing a ponytail and finding little success in life, he turned to the New Age Movement, where he met my mother, Darla Deck, a “psychic” and radio personality. One thing led to another, and my mother became pregnant with me. Their marriage was now inevitable.
Just as was their divorce. 5 years later, my parents were officially divorced. Around this age I was exposed to pornography by my brother and a friend at school. I rarely saw my father because of custody issues and spent most of my time being neglected by my mother, abused by my brother, watching TV, and eating my weight in fast food and estrogen-rich foods, like soy milk. I was essentially a little girl, afraid of sports and bugs, emasculated by my mom, my own sinful heart, and early exposure to an impure sexuality and overall evil.
It was then that Yahweh saw further to a brighter, more glorious dawn. At some point, my father found God and became a Christian. At age 10, when the consequences of those things in my young life had compounded, my father had not given up on me and loved me still the more strongly. He introduced a modicum of discipline into my life, forcing me to live more humbly and trying to teach me things that would serve me well as I became a man. I began to thin out a bit and become less awkward physically and mentally. However, having no father himself, he was not perfect at fathering, as no father beside the Father is.
Soon I became consumed by my lust and my desire to feel like a man. Tellingly, I sought to fulfill this desire through a female. Such is the classic blunder of man throughout history. I was emotionally unstable, going from girl to girl, doing things I should not have, and was altogether unsure of myself. I felt that the battle I was facing for true joy, true satisfaction was one of solitude, one that could only be journeyed alone. This realization became more clear to me the longer I kept going to my church high school service. Thus came the fateful day that would be my last in church.
I came to church and stood alone in the back during worship, as always. I was listening to my iPod to block out the boring music. Then a young man came up to me, a man who I would later find out was Todd Hutchison, the High School pastor. He asked me some questions, and invited me to get closer to the crowd of worshipers I quickly became uncomfortable and left. I wallowed in my own self-absorption for many months, never again going to church, until,
I heard the deep, powerful note of the cord of Truth being plucked. My actions were wrong. My life was wrong. I was wrong. A friend showed me a book: Wild at Heart by John Eldredge. It made so much sense. And something was stirring inside me. I started to lift weights and run. I began to cherish discipline, mental and physical. A semblance of stability appeared in my life, and I knew it wasn’t from me. I began to hear God, and accept Him back in.
I heard again the strong pound of the cord of Truth, a second note. My father invited me to the controversial Porn and Pancakes at my Church, but by now, I had changed drastically. New people all the time were telling me that I barely resembled my past self, though a mere 8 months had transpired. It seemed already I had accepted Christ into my heart: I began to learn about apologetics, and to read Christian literature, though I still avoided the Bible. I began to be known as the Christian kid. Therefore, when my father invited me to Porn and Pancakes, I was still loth but not entirely unwilling to attend. Pornography was a big problem in my life, and I knew it.
When I went, however, it was as if it were my first time. Church was no longer something depressing, fake, and scary to me. It was bright, enlightened, and powerful. It was then that I knew that I was no longer my old self: part of me had died and come back in Christ. Thus before, when I left in the middle of worship, it was my last time in church, and later for Porn and Pancakes it was my first time in the Church.
For the third but not the final time, the cord of Truth was struck when innocent and eccentric Cortney Bobb invited me into her small group, thus completing the three-note chord.
Since this period of God chiseling away at my evil ways, I have grown tremendously. I am well versed in the Bible, apologetics, and most other subjects, because a wise and righteous man increases his learning. I have pursued only Godly relationships, making sure to not excite love or pursue the evil desires of youth. I have taken strides to expand my comfort zone in recognition that my life’s goal is not about myself, but about serving God and serving others. I have become braver and stronger in the Lord, knowing the war that goes on all around me. I have stepped up to become the president of FCA and the organizer of and speaker at SYATP at my school because I know that the harvest is plentiful but the workers are few and that the Good News is a gift freely given. I study the Bible and pray continuously, because they are both useful for teaching and training in righteousness. I consistently meet with my mentor, Kevin Chaffin, because my ways seem right to me, but the Lord weighs my heart. I have decided to become a missionary that rebuilds slums into the Kingdom of God, recognizing that every house is built by someone, but the Builder of all things is God.
Ultimately, I am more joyful yet more solemn than I have ever been, more pleased yet more dissatisfied than I have ever known, and more holy yet more sinful than I have ever seemed.
In the Light of God’s fire do I now speak, as a testimony to the justice and mystery of Yahweh, God Almighty. He shall forever reign.
“God is not a man, that He should lie,
Nor a son of man, that he should change His mind.
Does He speak and then not act?
Does He promise and not fulfill?”
–Numbers 23:19
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